生日給你帶來(lái)什么意義？年輕的時(shí)候倒還會(huì)出去吃飯喝酒唱K慶祝。但什么時(shí)候這一天突然變成平凡的365日之一呢？而且一旦過(guò)了40， 你的生日還有啥意義？快到50了呢？哎呦喂！也許我的80后90后朋友無(wú)法想象人老了的感受：人到了垂暮之年，還有什么盼頭？
今天我47了。老實(shí)說(shuō)，我也麻木了。也有些懊悔：年紀(jì)一大把了還沒(méi)闖出什么名頭。長(zhǎng)了一歲只是往前一步走進(jìn)了棺材罷了。
哎呀! Hubert! 你也這么鬧情緒呀！Yup! That’s me!
但這篇文章不是為了要吐槽。因?yàn)槲倚睦锩靼?，無(wú)論我有多可憐，這世界可不會(huì)為我掉幾滴眼淚的。所以生活的意義還不是得靠自己把它找出來(lái)，不是嗎？
到了這個(gè)年紀(jì)了，我們更需要給自己創(chuàng)造希望。這就是最好的生日禮物。
其實(shí)夕陽(yáng)的黑暗是自找的。
怎么說(shuō)？首先人比人，氣死人
還記得你年輕的時(shí)候，不也是經(jīng)常跟別人相比嗎？但那時(shí)候比不過(guò)也不會(huì)過(guò)于氣餒。反正心里這么安慰自己：”咱們有的是時(shí)間。還有本錢提高自己，然后拼過(guò)他們?！?/p>
但現(xiàn)在年紀(jì)大了，已經(jīng)沒(méi)本錢說(shuō)這句話了。況且眼看四周后浪推前浪，尤其是做我這一行的在互聯(lián)網(wǎng)里摸爬滾打，經(jīng)常感覺(jué)技不如人。
打開(kāi)微信就看見(jiàn)同事轉(zhuǎn)給我一章關(guān)于秋葉大叔瞬間報(bào)滿的社群。這時(shí)候我還頭疼在自己的社群嘗試期間掙扎，看是否能找出活路。
打開(kāi)朋友圈又看見(jiàn)好幾個(gè)不知名的90后做出熱銷百萬(wàn)的爆款課；而我做的訓(xùn)練營(yíng)假如能報(bào)上300+人我就謝天謝地了。然后想不到兩年后，它也無(wú)聲無(wú)息的掛了。
Shiiiiit!
活了一大把歲數(shù)真沒(méi)用。除非有奇跡，不然怎么九九六，十十七，我也趕不上這一幫年輕人。如何破？
最近開(kāi)始研究Growth Mindset，作者Carol Dweck，明確的指出來(lái)了：我這種攀比的反應(yīng)起于我的固定思維：我認(rèn)為聰明能干就是我的一切：如果別人比我好，就證明我笨我無(wú)能，也證明了我沒(méi)價(jià)值。能不桑心嗎？
相比之下，我周圍很多朋友心態(tài)更積極：他們有成長(zhǎng)思維。也就是說(shuō)，他們的滿足感，或者從另一個(gè)角度看就是他們心里的成功，來(lái)自于自我成長(zhǎng)。他們把別人做的更好這件事，當(dāng)作學(xué)習(xí)、參考、目標(biāo)。他們更在意的是今天是否比昨天更有長(zhǎng)進(jìn)。
沒(méi)有成長(zhǎng)
這就涉及到下一個(gè)我自找的麻煩：限制了自己的成長(zhǎng)?；蛟S是因?yàn)槲姨娣??；蛟S是因?yàn)槲姨阎匾虑槎挤旁谒募绨蛏狭?。我就無(wú)憂無(wú)慮。其實(shí)，我的憂慮一直在。只不過(guò)是另一類的憂慮。給我壓抑的不是事業(yè)不成，也不是金錢不足，而是方向不清。
怎么會(huì)方向不清楚呢？其實(shí)我知道我想做什么。但我懷疑能不能做成呢？
我有自知之明：我如果要在中國(guó)做什么事，必須要提高中文寫作演講；如果我要繼續(xù)走培訓(xùn)這條路，我必須多輸入知識(shí)輸出內(nèi)容。然而道路雖清晰，借口卻容易找。我這個(gè)糊涂蛋把很多寶貴時(shí)間用在看Youtube,Espn…以及八卦特朗普走投無(wú)路的新聞(追這種新聞?wù)娴暮苌习a)
我們年紀(jì)大了，就容易想：有車有房有事業(yè)，有家有孩有健康，夫復(fù)何求…
夫復(fù)何求這四個(gè)字真是害死人。 不追求長(zhǎng)進(jìn)，則不長(zhǎng)進(jìn)，而不進(jìn)則退；只能眼巴巴看后浪往前沖的都不見(jiàn)影了。
想當(dāng)初，年輕的時(shí)候，我們學(xué)習(xí)也不全是為了跟別人一比高下呀；經(jīng)常也就是出于好奇，想要做的更好，不是嗎？這個(gè)精神跑到哪里去了？難怪47歲了，就覺(jué)得要進(jìn)棺材，往前走只有老癡呆，穿尿布。還能有什么盼頭？
我能不能成為什么？我缺少這個(gè)動(dòng)力還是因?yàn)槲覜](méi)好好的想我的故事。
沒(méi)有故事
是的。這都是因?yàn)槲覜](méi)把心思放在梳理并鞏固自己的故事。自然而然就沒(méi)法活出我故事里的英雄。
2011年我從企業(yè)里出來(lái)抱著一個(gè)夢(mèng)想了。之后建立有意思教練，這個(gè)夢(mèng)想不但更成熟也更雄偉。也不知道為什么這幾年腦子里漸漸淡化了這個(gè)故事。（其實(shí)我知道，but that’s another story）
我們年齡大了，如果不再有夢(mèng)想，每天過(guò)的不就是那個(gè)舒適區(qū)嗎？溫水煮青蛙。如果我們的故事依然停留在“平凡的世界里”，每年過(guò)的生日還有什么意義？吹蠟燭許的愿望就是“今年平平安安的過(guò)，沒(méi)有擔(dān)心沒(méi)有壓力，快快樂(lè)樂(lè)的享受”。但這說(shuō)白了就是，“讓我安靜的等死吧！“
你知道一個(gè)英雄的故事應(yīng)該是啥樣的。主人公從平凡世界走出來(lái)，追求夢(mèng)想的路途中，會(huì)面對(duì)困難和怪獸；所以我們需要學(xué)習(xí)成長(zhǎng)，才能克服困難打敗妖怪。這才能成為英雄。
我們年齡大了，為什么要忘掉那個(gè)做英雄的愿景？我們還是能瀟灑的過(guò)好幾十年呢！
我們一起找意義！
如果你也要過(guò)生日了，我們來(lái)一起這么慶祝這一天：給自己這個(gè)禮物：生命的意義。
從寵愛(ài)自己開(kāi)始
其實(shí)關(guān)于這一點(diǎn)我也比較糊涂。很多人（我太太）看鏡子，能真的欣賞自己，含情脈脈的看自己，這個(gè)“寵愛(ài)“油然而生。
我從沒(méi)過(guò)這感覺(jué)。鏡子里的Hubert，有時(shí)看著他還有點(diǎn)陌生感。奇怪嗎？其實(shí)已經(jīng)進(jìn)步多多了。至少現(xiàn)在不討厭不自責(zé)了。以前還真經(jīng)常覺(jué)得自己一文不值。書里說(shuō)，要經(jīng)?？渥约?，腦子里就會(huì)慢慢產(chǎn)生這個(gè)反應(yīng)。 好吧。我先關(guān)著門試一試，不然我兒子會(huì)認(rèn)為他爸早年癡呆了。
對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)，最重要的自我寵愛(ài)，就是別跟別人比。不是嗎？其實(shí)我們就是最好的自己。別人做的好是他們的生活。這是他們的路。他們獲得的方塊放不進(jìn)去我們心里的圓洞。我們得更往內(nèi)心看：給我們幸福感的到底是什么？
當(dāng)然，我們腦子里的小妖經(jīng)常會(huì)提醒我們把世俗觀作為標(biāo)桿：收入、地位、粉絲量、銷售量、等等。我們需要做的就是忽略那些聲音。當(dāng)然，說(shuō)的比做的容易。我現(xiàn)在還經(jīng)常感到羨慕嫉妒恨。但我也知道得更注意內(nèi)心的需求：Hubert真的想要的是什么？真能滿足Hubert的是什么？你呢？從這一點(diǎn)，才能開(kāi)始寵愛(ài)自己。
其實(shí)這也就是自己的故事的開(kāi)始。
所以我的故事是什么？
今天我要冥想一下我的故事。其實(shí)你也應(yīng)該經(jīng)常這么做：每天20分鐘。把愿景刻進(jìn)去你的腦細(xì)胞里。我的未來(lái)將會(huì)是什么呢？我80歲的時(shí)候是什么樣子？能看出畫面嗎？
今天我雖然沒(méi)有一個(gè)生日禮物，但上個(gè)月我參加一個(gè)教練式培訓(xùn)師的課程，算是最好的禮物。因?yàn)槲铱匆?jiàn)了未來(lái)的我：一個(gè)快八十歲的老太太，埃里克森的瑪麗蓮老師，她連續(xù)八天在前面又蹦又跳的給我們講故事，使我們茅塞頓開(kāi)醍醐灌頂。她就是我的榜樣。
如果你現(xiàn)在還看不到自己的故事，我建議你找一個(gè)榜樣。話說(shuō)回來(lái)，我的這位老師也是可遇不可求。如果我早幾年參加她的課程就好了。
咦？也許這就是答案？如果你有機(jī)會(huì)參加某大師級(jí)別的講座培訓(xùn)，就去吧。我佩服瑪麗蓮老師，并不是因?yàn)樗塘宋液芏啵撬臓顟B(tài)，她的精神，她的使命感，皆是我所追求的。?(她具體是什么樣的女神，以后我再寫一篇描述)。
或許你心里已有一個(gè)榜樣，只是你怕做不到，或怕太辛苦，或怕別人說(shuō)你在做白日夢(mèng)，你就沒(méi)敢去成為ta。但別忘了，一旦你有了刻骨銘心的愿景，能看到你要活出的故事，就能開(kāi)始走出舒適區(qū)開(kāi)始探險(xiǎn)。每一年的生日就有意義了。
你就能開(kāi)始行動(dòng)：翻開(kāi)新的一頁(yè)
所以今年的生日，我給自己的第一份禮物就是寫這篇文章。 ??？這是什么鬼禮物？
而且這篇也許寫的很粗糙。畢竟我還在練中文。但這不就是故事的意義嗎？如果我已經(jīng)那么拿手，寫作不就是我的舒適區(qū)嗎？
我的生日禮物就是翻開(kāi)新的一頁(yè)，開(kāi)始我的成長(zhǎng)。
正好我和太太一起出的書，“故事力”要提前在八月底出版。我能看出來(lái)我故事里的英雄。他就是用故事幫別人活出自己。幫更多人茅塞頓開(kāi)醍醐灌頂。我要一直分享，到80歲，成為大師，再成為后人的榜樣。
而第一步就是寫這篇文章。輸入輸出。練習(xí)中文。
有志不在年高。以前我也沒(méi)想到，在我們這個(gè)年齡，最好的生日禮物竟然是行動(dòng)，最深刻的意義是成長(zhǎng)。
祝我生日快樂(lè)。
祝你生日快樂(lè)。
《備注：此文是俺親筆之作。作為一個(gè)中文不是母語(yǔ)的”外國(guó)人“，這畢竟是一個(gè)挑戰(zhàn)。希望朋友讀了文章可以給我建議：哪里寫的不順？哪里不清晰？哪里可以用更好的詞語(yǔ)/成語(yǔ)？歡迎你的建議》
中文版是先進(jìn)入”中文思維“寫出來(lái)的；之后寫出對(duì)應(yīng)的英文版（也盡量用英語(yǔ)思路寫的）。如果你有興趣，可以用來(lái)學(xué)習(xí)英語(yǔ)。
What’s the meaning of a birthday?? Is it a day of celebration?? Maybe if you’re still young. When did it become just another day? And once you’re past 40, close to half-a-hundred, what the hell do we do with a birthday? My more youthful friends no doubt have no idea what it feels like to be an old man…
Today I turn 47. Damn! And honestly, I’m numb to the idea of birthdays.? I even see it as a day of regret. You’d figure after so many years, one should have bigger accomplishments…In the words of Les Miserables, I’m just one year closer to dying.
You probably don’t know that I can be an emotional mess at times.?
But this post isn’t to complain. Let’s face it, myself-pitying isn’t going to earn anyone’s tears, right?? So, shiiiit!?We can’t twiddle our thumbs waiting for good things to happen, so let’s define our own meaning of life!
Because at our age, it’s up to us to create our own hope.? Wouldn’t that be the best birthday present ever?
We paint ourselves in the corner.
Yes it is our fault.?
We foolishly compare,we comfortably remain stuck,and we mindlessly forget our story.
Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”? Well put.
When we were in our twenties, it seemed ok to compare. So what if they’re better? I have time to catch up. But now at our age, time is not on our side. And it is the younger generation overtaking us by the hordes.? Especially in my line of work, they have the edge playing the Internet game. You have any idea the frustration and jealousy that overtakes me whenever a colleague forwards me an article about so-and-so millennial,who just came out with an online program that sells like hotcakes, while my product barely scrapes by.
Good lord.? With my attitude, I don’t know how I didn’t quit and go back to my corporate life.? Old and useless.? Is there any hope?
So, lately, I’ve been doing more research on the growth mindset.? The author Carol Dweck pointed out, that my helpless tendency for comparison is due to my fixed mindset.? That is, I assume that my “born-talents” defines me; If I lose to others, that proves that I have no talent, which proves that I am not worthy. But I have many friends who are much more positive.? They have a growth mindset.?Sense of fulfillment, or their definition of success, comes from personal development. They view other people’s success not through the lens of jealousy, but as a learning, a reference, for them to improve and evolve.? That’s their fundamental goal.?
Which points to the second failure: failure to learn andgrow.?
Maybe it’s because I am too comfortable, that my wife is the CEO, taking on the main responsibility.?I don’t have any worries. NOT!? My stress isn’t about lack of success, or money, but lack of meaning.
Because in the back of my head, I always realized this: I need to improve my Chinese: in writing and speaking. I need to learn more, not only with more input, but also output.? But instead, I spend my leisure time watching You tube, ESPN, and savoring over any news that points to Trump’s downfall…
I guess when you’re my age, it’s easy to think, “I have a home,a steady job, a family a child of two, and my health… This is life well deserved…”
When we could care less about growth, we aren’t going to eat well or exercise, are we??Our bodies will only atrophy away.? And you think the rest of the world will wait for us?
But it doesn’t have to be that way.? Remember when we were still young? We learned and grow not because we want to best others, but because we were curious, and we had?our own intrinsic desire to be better. What had butchered that spirit? No wonder at the age of 47, I feel like I’m stepping one foot into my coffin. Might as well, because what else is in my future but Alzheimer’s and adult diapers?
But all this is coming around to bite my ass because I had forgotten my story.?
How can I become the hero of my story?
Back in 2011, when I left my corporate life to pursue this training career, I had a dream; When I started Message Coach, the dream took a stronger more powerful form. I wondered why that dream had faded away, into a mirage, a shadow?? Actually I know the reasons…but that’s another story for another day.
When you’re my age, and you no longer have a dream, what kind of life do you have left?? It’s a comfort zone. That’s all.? If at every passing birthday, our story is still stuck in the backstory of Chapter One, how can we find meaning?? If our birthday wish is merely to “be safe, be at peace, where there’s no stress and worries,so I can be happy…” Isn’t that just saying “l(fā)eave me the F* along and let me die….”
But deep in your heart, you know about the hero’s journey: Out of that normal world, the the road to your dream, you will face difficulties and monsters. So we need to learn and grow to conquer these obstacles, so we can become heroes going into a new marvelous world.
We’re at an age now, where we can’t afford to forget what it is like to be a hero.
So, let’s find meaning together
If your birthday is also coming up, then let’s celebrate that day by giving ourselves this present: meaning of life.
Let’s start by loving ourselves.
But I suck at this.?Many, including my wife, can look in the mirror, and genuinely appreciate themselves, and have this emotional feeling of love and kindness.? Ugh…so cheesy.
I’ve never had this feeling. That Hubert in the mirror?Sometimes I look at him, and it’s like looking at a stranger.? Strange huh??Well, it is an improvement: at least I nolonger look at myself with self-loathing and criticism.??What can I do now? Self-help books that advise us to praise ourselves out loud.? Do it daily.?Do so often. Then our brain will come to believe it.? Alright damn it! Let me give it a try…behind locked doors.? Otherwise, my son will think his dad is crippled with early dementia.
But for me, the first and foremost form of self-love is stop that damn social comparison! After all, WE are the best US.? How other people succeed… well, that is their business, their life, their journey.? Their reward comes in square pegs and won’t fit into the round holes in our heart. We need to look inward and ask, “What is it that truly fulfills us?”
At the same time, I know our inner voice will always be there to remind us of the worldly values of what is worthy: income, status,subscriber base, sales, etc. What we need to do is to block out those voices, ignore them…Yet I know this is easier said than done.?I still often fail, and get bitten by the viper of jealousy.? But what I need to focus on is my deepest needs:? What is that that Hubert wants?? What will fulfill Hubert? Well, what about you?? This is step one to loving ourselves.
And this is the first chapter of our own story.
So, what is my story?
Well, today, I want to meditate on my own story. In fact, you should do this more often as well. 20 minutes a day.? We need to have that vision burned into the recesses of our brain cells. What’s my future going to be? What will I be like when I’m 80? Can I see it in living colors?
I didn’t get a present today. But last month I got the best present ever.? I attended a“coaching-based trainer” TTT program, and I saw my future.? The instructor was Marilyn Atkinson, founder of Erikson Coaching, was almost 80.? Yet she was full of energy, telling us stories, complete with body language and style,opening our eyes and mind.? She is whom I aspire to be.
If you don’t have your story yet, I suggest you find you rrole model.?Yet, I have a feeling the best role model is hard to come by.? If only I had attended her training 10 years ago…
Hold on…Maybe this is the answer?? If you ever come across a chance to attend a training or seminar by a world-class guru, don’t hesitate.? I love Marilyn. Not because of what she taught me, but because of what she demonstrated:? Her state, her energy, and her purpose.? All of which is what I hope to embody in my 80 year old self.
Perhaps you already have a role model in mind. Perhaps you are wary you can’t achieve it, or that it’s too hard, or other people will say you’re crazy, so you don’t dare to become him or her.? Yet remember, it’s only when you can take hold of that vision, and see the story you want to live, that you can walk out of your comfort zone and start your own adventure. Then your every birthday will be meaningful.?
Then you can take action and turn over a new page.
So, for my birthday, the first present I will give to myself is…… write this article.
WTF?
Yeah, this writing my suck, since my Chinese is just not up to par….but that is precisely the point isn’t it?? If I’m already skilled at writing, then this task is merely my comfort zone.
This is a new page, a new chapter.? This is my growth.
Coincidentally, my wife and I will come out with a book in August:Power of Storytelling.? And I can see in my future, the hero of my own story.?I see a man who will use stories to help others live fully, to realize their potential.? I see a man who travels to speak and teach and spread the message even at the ripe age of 80.? A man who is becoming a master.
And the first step is to write this article.? Input and output.? Improve my Chinese to a “not-laughable”level.
Yeah, I know.? I’ve never thought that at our age, the best birthday present isn’t gadgets, or dinner, or any material stuff.? But a willingness to take action, and embrace the most profound meaning to grow.
Happy birthday to me.
Happy birthday to you.
