22

The Jesus Complex

基督情結(jié)

1. If there is any benefit to be found in the midst of agony, it may perhaps lie in the ability of certain sufferers to take this misery as evidence (however perverse) that they are special. Why else would they have been chosen to undergo such titanic torment other than to serve as proof that they are different, and hence presumably better, than those who do not suffer? 如果從極度痛苦中能夠發(fā)現(xiàn)任何好處，那么這好處也許就在于，痛苦者可以將痛苦作為他們與眾不同的證明（無論怎樣有悖常情）。除了表明與那些沒有遭受苦難的人存在差異，從而有可能比他們更好之外，難道還有別的什么原因使他們被選擇去承受這種巨大的人體折磨？

2. I could not stand to be alone in my flat over the Christmas period, so I checked into a room in a small hotel off the Bayswater Road. I took with me a small suitcase and a set of books and clothes, but I neither read nor dressed. I spent whole days in a white bathrobe, lying on top of the bed and flicking through the channels of the television, reading room-service menus and listening to stray sounds coming up from the street.我無法獨自一人在寓所里過圣誕節(jié)，因此我住進(jìn)了貝斯沃特路后面的一家小旅館。我隨身帶了一個小手提箱和一些書、衣服，但是我既不讀書也不穿衣服，而是整天身著睡袍，躺在床上，不停地?fù)Q著電視頻道，看房間服務(wù)菜單，聆聽街上傳來的零落聲響。

3. There was at first very little to distinguish that noise from the general moan of the traffic below: car doors were screaming shut, lorries were grinding into first gear, a pneumatic drill was pounding the pavement. And yet above all that, I began to identify a quite different sound, rippling through the thin hotel wall from somewhere near my head, at that time pressed against a copy of Time magazine crushed against a sebaceous headboard. It was becoming undeniable, however much one tried to deny it (and heaven knows one might), that the sound from the next door room was none other than that of the mating ritual of the human species. 'Fuck,' I thought, 'they're fucking!'最初，很難從下面交通的嘈雜聲中分辨出一些聲音：車門尖利地關(guān)上、卡車離合器換到一檔、風(fēng)鉆在人行道上開掘。然而從這所有的聲音中，我開始發(fā)現(xiàn)一種迥然不同的聲響穿透我腦袋旁邊那薄薄的墻板，一波一波地傳了過來。我的頭靠在油膩膩的床頭板上，中間墊著一本《時代）雜志。無論你怎樣努力不去聽（天知道誰能這樣），都可以分辨得出隔壁房間傳來的人類交合的聲音?！安?，”我心想，“他們在操！”

4. When a man hears others in the midst of such activity, there are certain attitudes one may reasonably expect him to adopt. If he is young and imaginative, he may willingly induce a process of identification with the male through the wall, constructing, with his poet's mind, an ideal of the fortunate woman - Beatrice, Juliet, Charlotte, Tess - whose screams he natters himself to have induced. Or, if affronted by this objective recording of libido, he may turn away, think of England and raise the volume of the television.人們可以合理地想象一個聆聽著人類交媾之聲的人會采取一種怎樣的態(tài)度。如果他是富有想象力的年輕人，那么他會想要與隔壁男人做同樣的事，用他詩人般的腦袋，構(gòu)想那位幸運女人的完美形象——貝雅特麗齊、朱麗葉、夏洛特、苔絲——他自以為她們的尖叫聲是他引起的?；蛘?，如果被這種實實在在的情欲侮辱，他也許不去理會，想一想國家大事，把電視的聲音開大。

5. But my reaction was remarkable only for its passivity ?or, rather, I failed to push reaction any way beyond acknowledgement. Since Chloe had left, I had done little but acknowledge. I had become a man who, in every sense of the word, could not be surprised. Surprise is, we are told by psychologists, a reaction to the unexpected, but I had come to expect everything, and could hence be surprised by nothing.但是我的反應(yīng)則是聽之任之——或者更準(zhǔn)確的說，除了承認(rèn)這個事實之外沒有任何反應(yīng)。自克洛艾離去之后，我能做的只是機械地承認(rèn)。就男人這個詞的一切含義而言，我成了一個再也不能產(chǎn)生驚奇的男人。心理學(xué)家告訴我們，驚奇是對未預(yù)料到的事物的反應(yīng)。但是一切都在我的預(yù)料之中，所以我也就不會對任何事物感到驚訝。

6. What was passing through my mind? Nothing but a certain song heard once on the radio in Chloe's car, with the sun setting over the edge of the motorway: I'm in love, sweet love, Hear me calling out your name, I feel no shame, I'm in love, sweet love, Don't you ever go away, it'll always be this way.我的腦子正想著什么？除了一首歌之外，什么都沒想。那是一首在克洛艾車上的收音機里聽來的歌，聽歌那會兒夕陽已落到了公路邊上：

我戀愛著，甜蜜的愛，

聽我叫你的名字，我一點都不害羞，

我戀愛著，甜蜜的愛，

永遠(yuǎn)不要離開我，我們相愛不罷休。

I had grown intoxicated with my own sadness, I had reached the stratosphere of suffering, the moment where pain gives rise to the Jesus complex. The sound of the copulating couple and the song from happier days coalesced in the giant tears that had begun to flow at the thought of the misfortunes of my existence. But for the first time, these were nor angry, scalding tears, rather the bitter-sweet taste of waters grown tinged with the conviction that it was not I, but the people who had made me suffer, who were so blind. I was elated, at the pinnacle where suffering brings one over into the valley of joy, the joy of the martyr, the joy of the Jesus complex. I imagined Chloe and Will travelling through California, I listened to requests of 'more' and 'harder' from next door and grew drunk on the liquor of grief.我陶醉在自己的悲傷中，達(dá)到了痛楚的頂點。這時，痛苦得以升華，獲得了價值，產(chǎn)生了基督情結(jié)。那一對男女交合的聲響和歡樂日子里聆聽的歌兒一起化為洶涌的淚水，隨著我想起生存的不幸，奔流而下。然而，我第一次感到這不是憤怒的熱淚，而是一種酸甜交加的淚水。這淚水傳遞著一種信念：不是我，而是那個使我痛苦的人那么有眼無珠。我一下子歡欣鼓舞，從痛苦的頂峰滑入快樂的山谷。這是一種殉難者的快樂，一種基督情結(jié)的快樂。我想象克洛艾和威爾在加利福尼亞旅行，我聽見隔壁要求“再來一次”和“再用點力”的聲音，沉醉于悲傷的苦酒之中。

7. 'How great can one be if one is understood by everyone?' I asked myself, contemplating the fate of the Son of God. Could I really continue to blame myself for Chloe's inability to understand me? Her rejection was more a sign of how myopic she was than of how deficient I might have been. No longer was I necessarily the vermin and she the angel. She had left me for a third-rate Californian Corbusian because she was simply too shallow to understand. I began to reinterpret her character, concentrating on sides I found least pleasant. She was in the end very selfish, her charms only a superficial veneer masking an unattractive nature. If she seduced people into thinking she was adorable, it had more to do with her amusing conversation and kind smile than any genuine grounds for love. Others did not know her the way I did and it was clear (though I had not realized it originally) that she was inherently self-centred, rather caustic, at times inconsiderate, often thoughtless, on occasion ungracious, when she was tired impatient, when she wanted her own way dogmatic, and in her decision to reject me both unreflective and tactless.沉思著圣子的命運，我問自己：“如果一個人能為所有人理解，那么他會有多么偉大？”我真的還能繼續(xù)責(zé)怪克洛艾不理解我嗎？她拋棄我只能更說明她多么缺乏遠(yuǎn)見，而不是說我有多少不足。她不一定再是天使，我也不一定再是歹徒。因為她太膚淺，不能理解我，所以才會離開我，投入一個三流的加利福尼亞科比西埃懷中。從在她身上發(fā)現(xiàn)的最不好的那些方面開始，我重新分析了賬的性格。她最終只是一個非常自私的人，她的美麗只是淺薄的外表，蒙住的是更沒有魅力的內(nèi)心。如果她誘使人們認(rèn)為她值得愛慕，那多半是出于她有趣的談吐和友好的微笑，而不是真正的愛。對于她，別人不了解的地方我都了解。很顯然（盡管以前我沒有意識到）她天生就是以自我為中心，相當(dāng)刻薄，經(jīng)常不體諒他人，行為輕率，有時還很粗野。當(dāng)她累得不耐煩，當(dāng)她武斷專行，當(dāng)她決定拋棄我時，她顯得既粗心大意又毫無策略。

8. Grown infinitely wise through suffering, I could forgive, pity, and patronize her for her lack of judgement - and to do so gave me infinite relief. I could lie in a lilac-and-green hotel room and be filled with a sense of my own virtue and greatness. I pitied Chloe for everything she could not understand, the infinitely wise seer who watches the ways of men and women with a melancholic, knowing grin.痛苦使我獲得無限的智慧，所以對于她的疏于判斷，我當(dāng)然可以原諒、同情并且遷就——這樣讓我感受到無限的放松。我可以在一間淡紫色和綠色相間的旅館房間里，感覺自己充滿了美德和偉大。我為克洛艾無法理解的一切而深表同情。我咧嘴露出憂郁而會心的笑容，無限智慧地看著塵世男女的行徑。

9. Why was my complex, the perverse psychological trick that turned every defeat and humiliation into its opposite, to be named after Jesus? I might have identified my suffering with that of Young Werther or Madame Bovary or Swann, but none of these bruised lovers could compete with Jesus's untainted virtue and his unquestionable goodness beside the evil of those he tried to love. It was not just the weepy eyes and sallow face attributed to him by Renaissance artists that made him such an attractive figure, it was that Jesus was a man who was kind, completely just, and betrayed. The pathos of the New Testament, as much as of my own love story, arose out of the sad tale of a virtuous but misrepresented man, who preached the love of everyone for their neighbour, only to see the generosity of his message thrown back in his face.情結(jié)只是曲解的心理學(xué)把戲，使每一個失敗和恥辱獲得相反的意義。為什么將我的情結(jié)稱為基督情結(jié)？我本可以把自己的痛苦視作是少年維特，是包法利夫人，或是斯萬夫人的痛苦，但是這些受傷的戀人都不及基督清白無暇的美德和無可置疑的善良——在對待他努力去愛的人們的罪惡時。他之所以富有吸引力，不在于文藝復(fù)興藝術(shù)家賦予他的淚汪汪的雙眼和灰黃面孔，而是因為基督本人是一個和藹、完全公正和被出賣的人?！缎录s全書》中的詞句，如同我的愛情，是源于一個富有美德而被歪曲之人的哀婉動人故事，他宣講每個人都要愛他們周圍的人，卻看到他高潔的思想被扔回他臉上。

10. It is hard to imagine Christianity having achieved such success without a martyr at its head. If Jesus had simply led a quiet life in Galilee making commodes and dining tables and at the end of his life published a slim volume entitled My Philosophy of life before dying of a heart attack, he would not have acquired the status he did. The agonizing death on the Cross, the corruption and cruelty of the Roman authorities, the betrayal by his friends, all these were indispensable ingredients for proof (more psychological than historical) that the man had God on his side.如果沒有一個殉難者作為先驅(qū)，難以想象基督教可以取得今天的成就。如果基督僅只安靜地生活在加利利，做著五斗櫥和餐桌，在生命走到盡頭，死于心臟病之前，出版一本薄薄的標(biāo)題為《我的生命哲學(xué)》的書，那么他將無法獲得現(xiàn)在的地位。十字架上充滿痛苦的死亡，羅馬政權(quán)的腐朽和殘暴，朋友的出賣，所有這些都不可或缺的證明（精神上的多于史實上的）：基督與上帝同在。

11. Feelings of virtue breed spontaneously in the fertile soil of suffering. The more one suffers, the more virtuous one must be. The Jesus complex was entangled in feelings of superiority, the superiority of the underdog who considers himself above his oppressors, with their tyranny and blindness. Ditched by the woman I loved, I exalted my suffering into a sign of greatness (lying collapsed on a bed at three in the afternoon), and hence protected myself from experiencing my grief as the outcome of what was at best a mundane romantic break-up. Chloe's departure may have killed me, but it had at least left me in glorious possession of the moral high ground. I was a martyr.苦難的肥沃土地上自發(fā)地培育著美德的情感。經(jīng)歷的苦難越多，越具有更多的美德?；角榻Y(jié)糾纏于優(yōu)越感之中，這是苦難者的優(yōu)越感，與壓迫者那不可抵抗的暴政和盲目相比，苦難者似乎有更多的美德。被我所愛的女人拋棄，我把自己的痛苦提升為一種品質(zhì)（下午三點癱躺在一張床上，基督釘在十字架上），從而保護自己免受悲傷的折磨，那最多不過是一次世間愛情的破裂產(chǎn)生的悲傷。克洛艾的離開也許令我傷心欲絕，但至少讓我擁有了高尚的道德，雖然被判決去死，但成全我去做一個歷史的殉難者。

12. The Jesus complex lay at opposite ends of the spectrum from Marxism. Born out of self-hatred, Marxism prevented me from becoming a member of any club that would have me. The Jesus complex still left me outside the club gates but, because it was the result of ample self-love, declared that I was not accepted into the club only because I was so special. Most clubs, being rather crude affairs, naturally could not appreciate the great, the wise, and the sensitive, who were to be left at the gates or dropped by their girlfriends. My superiority was revealed primarily on the basis of my isolation and suffering: I suffer, therefore I am special. I am not understood, but for precisely that reason, I am worthy of greater understanding.基督情結(jié)與馬克斯兄弟式思維處于對立的兩端。出于自我厭惡，馬克斯兄弟式思維不讓我涉身任何愿意接納我的俱樂部?；角榻Y(jié)讓我立身于俱樂部的大門之外，但卻是出于充分自愛的結(jié)果，它聲言，因為我特殊，所以沒有被接納。許多俱樂部天生不喜歡偉大崇高、智慧超群以及感覺敏銳的人們，這無疑顯得粗野草率，故而那些人只好或是待在門外，或是被他們的女朋友一腳踢開。我的優(yōu)越感主要建立在我的孤立和痛苦的基礎(chǔ)之上：我痛苦，因此我特殊。我不被理解，但正是不被理解，我肯定值得更為深刻的理解。

13. In so far as it avoids self-hatred, one must have sympathy for the alchemy by which a weakness is turned into virtue - and the evolution of my pain towards a Jesus complex certainly implied a degree of mental good health. It showed that in the delicate internal balance between self-hatred and self-love, self-love was now winning. My initial response to Chloe's rejection had been a self-hating one, where I had continued to love Chloe while hating myself for failing to make the relationship work. But my Jesus complex had turned the equation on its head, now interpreting rejection as a sign that Chloe was worthy of contempt or at best pity (that paragon of Christian virtues). The Jesus complex was nothing more than a self-defence mechanism; I had not wanted Chloe to leave me; I had loved her more than I had ever loved a woman, but now that she had flown to California, my way of accepting the unbearable loss was to reinvent how valuable she had been in the first place. It was clearly a lie, but honesty is sometimes more than we have strength for when, abandoned and desperate, we spend Christmas alone in a hotel room listening to the sound of orgasmic beatitude from next door.只要避免了自我厭惡，人們必然會贊成軟弱遞嬗為美德的神秘變化——將我的痛苦演變?yōu)榛角榻Y(jié)，這當(dāng)然暗示了一定程度的心理健康。它表明在內(nèi)心自我厭惡和自我珍愛的靈敏平衡中，自我珍愛現(xiàn)在占了上風(fēng)。我最初對克洛艾背棄行為的自我厭惡情結(jié)表明我還一直愛著她，痛恨自己不能將愛情進(jìn)行到底。但是我的基督情結(jié)已經(jīng)將等式顛倒過來，認(rèn)為克洛艾背棄行為說明她只值得輕視，或至多值得同情（那是基督美德的典范）?；角榻Y(jié)只是一個自我防衛(wèi)的辦法，我并不希望克洛艾離開我，我從來沒有這么愛過一個女子。但是既然她已經(jīng)飛去加利福尼亞，我接受這不可接受的失落的辦法，就是去重新發(fā)現(xiàn)她原先是價值無比。這明顯是一個謊言，但有時當(dāng)我們遭遇拋棄，陷入絕望，獨自一人在旅館里過圣誕節(jié)，聽著隔壁房間里肉體祈福的聲音時，我們沒有力量更誠實。