19
Beyond Good and Evil
善與惡的彼岸
1. Early on Sunday evening, Chloe and I were sitting in the economy section of a British Airways jet, making our way back from Paris to London. We had recently crossed the Normandy coast, where a blanket of winter cloud had given way to an uninterrupted view of dark waters below. Tense and unable to concentrate, I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. There was something threatening about the flight, the dull background throb of the engines, the hushed grey interior, the candy smiles of the airline employees. A trolley carrying a selection of drinks and snacks was making its way down the aisle and, though I was both hungry and thirsty, it filled me with the vague nausea that meals may elicit in aircraft.星期天晚上五六點(diǎn)鐘，克洛艾和我坐在英國(guó)航空公司噴氣式飛機(jī)的經(jīng)濟(jì)艙里，從巴黎回倫敦。飛機(jī)剛剛飛越諾曼底海岸的上空，冬天的云層散開(kāi)退去，下面是一覽無(wú)遺的暗暗海水。飛機(jī)尾部引擎的微微顫動(dòng)，機(jī)艙里寧?kù)o的灰暗色調(diào)以及乘務(wù)員甜甜的微笑讓人覺(jué)得這次飛行有些危險(xiǎn)，一位乘務(wù)員推著飲料和點(diǎn)心從走道上過(guò)來(lái)了。盡管我又餓又渴，但飛機(jī)上的食物讓我有點(diǎn)惡心。
2. Chloe had been listening to her Walkman while dozing, but she now pulled out the plugs from her ears and stared with her large watery eyes at the seat in front of her.克洛艾一邊打瞌睡，一邊在聽(tīng)歌。但這會(huì)兒她取下耳塞，水汪汪的大眼睛怔怔地盯著前面的座位。
'Are you all right?' I asked.“你還好吧？”我問(wèn)道。
There was a silence, as though she had not heard. Then she spoke.一片寂靜，好像她沒(méi)有聽(tīng)到一般。接著她開(kāi)口了。
'You're too good for me,' she said.“你對(duì)我太好了，”她說(shuō)。
'What?'“你說(shuō)什么？”
'I said, "You're too good for me."'“我說(shuō)‘你對(duì)我太好了’?！?/p>
'What? Why?'“什么？為什么這么說(shuō)？”
'Because you are.'“因?yàn)槟愦_實(shí)是這樣嘛。”
'What are you saying this for, Chloe?'“你這么說(shuō)是什么意思，克洛艾？”
'I don't know.'“我不知道。”
'If anything, I'd put it the other way round. You're always the one ready to make the effort when there's a problem, you're just more self-deprecating about your...'“如果我有什么不對(duì)的地方，那我以后就改掉好了。其實(shí)每次有了問(wèn)題，你都是很樂(lè)意把它們解決好。只不過(guò)你總在貶低自己……”
'Shush, stop, don't,' said Chloe, turning her head away from me.“中醫(yī)，別說(shuō)了，求你別說(shuō)了，”克洛艾說(shuō)著，把頭扭開(kāi)了。
'Why?'“為什么？”
'Because I've been seeing Will.'“因?yàn)槲乙?jiàn)過(guò)威爾了?！?/p>
'You've what?'“你干什么了？”
'I've been seeing Will, OK.'“我見(jiàn)過(guò)威爾了，聽(tīng)到了吧？”
'What? What does seeing mean? Seeing Will?'“什么？見(jiàn)過(guò)是什么意思？見(jiàn)過(guò)威爾？”
'For God's sake, I've been to bed with Will.'“看在上帝份上，我和威爾上床了?！?/p>
'Would madam like a beverage or light snack?' enquired the stewardess, choosing this moment to introduce her wares.“小姐要不要飲料或快餐？”乘務(wù)員這會(huì)勻正好推著小車(chē)過(guò)來(lái)了。
'No, thank you.'“不要，謝謝?！?/p>
'Nothing at all, then?'“什么都不要？”
'No, I'm all right.'“是的，不要?！?/p>
'How about for sir?'“這位先生呢？”
'No thanks, nothing.'“不要，謝謝，什么都不要?！?/p>
3. Chloe had started to cry.克洛艾開(kāi)始哭了起來(lái)。
'I can't believe this. I just cannot believe this. Tell me it's a joke, some terrible, horrible joke, you've been to bed with Will. When? How? How could you?'“我不相信，一點(diǎn)兒也不相信。告訴我這是個(gè)笑話(huà)，一個(gè)可怕的笑話(huà)，你和威爾上床了，什么時(shí)候？怎么上床的？你怎么可以這樣？”
'God, I'm so sorry, I really am. I'm sorry, but I... I... I'm sorry...'“天啊，對(duì)不起，真的很抱歉，真的，但是我……，我……，對(duì)不起……”
Chloe was crying so hard, she was unable to speak. Tears were streaming down her face, her nose was running, her whole body shaken by spasms, her breathing halting, gasping. She looked in such pain, for a moment I forgot the import of her revelation, concerned only to stop the flow of her tears.克洛艾失聲痛哭，話(huà)都說(shuō)不出來(lái)。眼淚、鼻涕順流而下，整個(gè)身體劇烈地抽搐著，氣都喘不過(guò)來(lái)了，只好張大嘴。她看起來(lái)太痛苦了，在那么一瞬間，我都忘了她講的這些話(huà)語(yǔ)的意義，只想止住她的眼淚。
'Chloe, please don't cry, it's all right. We can talk about this. Tidge, please, take this handkerchief. It'll be OK, it will, I promise...'“克洛艾，別哭了，沒(méi)關(guān)系，我們還可以談一談。蒂吉，求你了，這兒有手帕。一切都會(huì)好的，會(huì)的，我保證……”
'My God, I'm so sorry, God I'm sorry, you don't deserve this, you really don't.'“天啊，我抱歉，天啊，真是對(duì)不起，你不應(yīng)該得到這樣的結(jié)果，你不應(yīng)該?！?/p>
Chloe's devastation temporarily eased the burden of betrayal. Her tears represented a brief reprieve for my own. The irony of the situation was not lost on me--the lover comforting his beloved for the upset betraying him has caused her.克洛艾的心力交瘁暫時(shí)平息了背叛的責(zé)難。她的淚水暫緩了我的痛苦。這可笑的局面沒(méi)有被我錯(cuò)過(guò)——戀愛(ài)者安慰著因?yàn)楸撑阉臒┮鈦y的伴侶。
4. The tears might have drowned every last passenger and sunk the whole aeroplane had the captain not prepared to land soon after they had begun. It felt like the Flood, a deluge of sadness on both sides at the inevitability and cruelty of what was happening: it simply wasn't working, it was going to have to end. Things felt all the more lonely, all the more exposed in the technological environment of the cabin, with the clinical attentions of stewardesses, with fellow passengers staring with the smug relief others feel in the face of strangers' emotional crises.如果機(jī)長(zhǎng)沒(méi)有在克洛艾一開(kāi)始哭泣就準(zhǔn)備降落的話(huà)，那么眼淚也許早已淹沒(méi)了每一位乘客，把整個(gè)飛機(jī)都給浸泡在其中了。一切就像洪水一樣。悲傷的洪水在所發(fā)生之事的不可避免性和殘酷性的兩岸恣意咆哮，但毫無(wú)作用，我父注定要結(jié)束了。周?chē)沫h(huán)境、機(jī)艙里的氛圍、乘務(wù)員的關(guān)心以及其他乘客望著這對(duì)陌生人情感的危機(jī)所表露出的慶幸都使這一切顯得愈加孤寂和突出。
5. As the plane pierced the clouds, I tried to imagine a future: a period of life was coming brutally to an end, and I had nothing to replace it with, only a terrifying absence. We hope you enjoy your stay in London, and will choose to fly with us again soon. To fly again soon, but would I live again soon? I envied the assumptions of others, the security of fixed lives and plans to take off again soon. What would life mean from now on? Though we continued holding hands, I knew how Chloe and I would watch our bodies grow foreign. Walls would be built up, the separation would be institutionalized, I would meet her in a few months or years, we would be light, jovial, masked, dressed for business, ordering a salad in a restaurant -- unable to touch what only now we could reveal, the sheer human drama, the nakedness, the dependency, the unalterable loss. We would be like an audience emerging from a heart-wrenching play but unable to communicate anything of the emotions they had felt inside, able only to head for a drink at the bar, knowing there was more, but unable to touch it. Though it was agony, I preferred this moment to the ones that would come, the hours spent alone replaying it, blaming myself and her, trying to construct a future, an alternative story, like a confused playwright who does not know what to do with his characters (save kill them off for a neat ending...). All this till the wheels hit the tarmac at Heathrow, the engines were thrown into reverse, and the plane taxied towards the terminal, where it disgorged its cargo into the immigration hall. By the time Chloe and I had collected our luggage and passed through customs, the relationship was formally over.We would try to be good friends, we would try not to cry, we would try not to feel victims or executioners.當(dāng)飛機(jī)穿過(guò)云層時(shí)，我努力想象著未來(lái)，一段生活將殘酷地走到終點(diǎn)，留給我的將只有一個(gè)可怕的空白。祝你在倫敦過(guò)得愉快，歡迎不久后再次乘坐我們有航班。不久后再次乘坐，我會(huì)再次乘坐嗎？我妒忌其他人的旅行安排，妒忌不久后將再次乘坐飛機(jī)的那些人穩(wěn)定的生活和計(jì)劃。從此生命的意義是什么？雖然我們依舊手拉著手，但我知道克洛艾和我都將會(huì)感覺(jué)到彼此的身體逐漸陌生、遙遠(yuǎn)。無(wú)形的墻已建起來(lái)了，分手已成定局。我會(huì)在幾個(gè)月或幾年后再次見(jiàn)到她，我們會(huì)輕松愉快，戴上面具，衣著正式，在餐館里點(diǎn)一份沙拉——但再也不能觸及我們現(xiàn)在可以展示給彼此的一切：赤身露體、情感依賴(lài)，這是純粹的戲劇場(chǎng)景，是不可更改的失落。我們會(huì)像看過(guò)一場(chǎng)肝腸寸斷的戲劇之后的觀(guān)眾一樣，無(wú)法交流內(nèi)心深處的感受，明明知道還有更多的東西，卻不能言及，只能去酒吧喝酒?？v然痛苦，我更愿意留住這眼前的時(shí)刻，而不要面對(duì)接踵而來(lái)的那些日子：我將一人幾小時(shí)幾小時(shí)地重新體會(huì)，批評(píng)我自己，也責(zé)備克洛艾，努力建造一個(gè)新的將來(lái)、又一個(gè)故事，就如一個(gè)心智迷亂的劇作家，不知該怎樣安排他的角色（除非殺死他們來(lái)得到一個(gè)干干凈凈的結(jié)尾……）。這此念頭一直縈繞在我腦海，直到飛機(jī)滑向航線(xiàn)終端，準(zhǔn)備將它的乘客卸在入檢大廳。當(dāng)克洛區(qū)和我收拾好行李，走出海關(guān)檢查站之時(shí)。我們的關(guān)系就正式畫(huà)上了句號(hào)。我們會(huì)努力保持一份友誼，會(huì)盡量忍住淚水，會(huì)設(shè)法拋卻犧牲者或劊子手的感覺(jué)。
6. Two days passed, numb. To suffer a blow and feel nothing --in modern parlance, it means the blow must have been hard indeed. Then one morning, I received a hand-delivered letter from Chloe, her familiar black writing poured over two sheets of creamy-white paper: 兩天的時(shí)光麻木地溜走了。遭受一個(gè)打擊，卻毫無(wú)知覺(jué)——照現(xiàn)代的說(shuō)法，這打擊一定是過(guò)于沉重。接下來(lái)，有一天早上，我收到克洛艾請(qǐng)人送來(lái)的一封信，兩張奶白色的紙上，寫(xiě)滿(mǎn)了她那熟悉的字跡：
I am sorry for offering you my confusion, I am sorry for ruining our trip to Paris, I am sorry for the unavoidable melodrama of it. I don't think I will ever cry again as much as I did aboard that miserable aeroplane, or be so torn by my emotions. You were so sweet to me, that's what made me cry all the more, other men would have told me to go to hell, but you didn't, and that's what made it so very difficult.我抱歉，把自己的困惑帶給你；我抱歉，毀了我們的巴黎之行；我抱歉，這整個(gè)事情不可避免的戲劇性收?qǐng)觥Ｎ蚁胛以僖膊粫?huì)像那天在可怕的飛機(jī)上那樣哭泣，那樣傷心欲絕。你對(duì)我是那么好，就是你的好使我越發(fā)流淚。換作別的男人，他們也許對(duì)我大罵出口，而你，你沒(méi)有，就是這讓一切變得是多么艱難啊。
You asked me in the terminal how I could cry and yet still be sure. You must understand, I cried because I knew it could not go on, and yet there was still so much holding me to you. I realize I cannot continue to deny you the love you deserve, but that I have grown unable to give you. It would be unfair, it would destroy us both.在機(jī)場(chǎng)里你問(wèn)我，為什么一邊哭，一邊又那么堅(jiān)定。你一定理解，我之所以哭是因?yàn)槲抑?，我們不可能再一如往日，然而還有那么多的東西把我和你聯(lián)系在一起。我意識(shí)到我不能繼續(xù)拒絕給予你應(yīng)該得到的愛(ài)，但是我卻已經(jīng)不能再給予你了。再這樣下去是不公平的，會(huì)毀了我們兩個(gè)。
I shall never be able to write the letter which I would really want to write to you. This is not the letter I have been writing to you in my head for the last few days. I wish I could draw you a picture, I was never too good with a pen. I can't seem to say what I want, I only hope you'll fill in the blanks.我永遠(yuǎn)都無(wú)法把我真正想對(duì)你說(shuō)的話(huà)寫(xiě)在這兒。為不是我前幾天在腦海里寫(xiě)有那封信。我希望我能畫(huà)一幅畫(huà)給你，我從來(lái)都不擅言辭，我根本言不由衷，我只希望你能把這些空白填上。
I will miss you, nothing can take away what we have shared. I have loved the months we have spent together. It seems such a surreal combination of things, breakfasts, lunches, phone calls in mid-afternoon, late nights at the Electric, walks in Kensington Gardens. I don't want anything to spoil that. When you've been in love, it is not the length of time that matters, it's everything you've felt and done coming out intensified. To me, it's one of the few times when life isn't elsewhere. You'll always be beautiful to me, I'll never forget how much I adored waking up and finding you beside me. I simply don't wish to continue hurting you. I could not bear for it slowly all to go stale.我會(huì)想念你，沒(méi)有什么能把我們?cè)?jīng)共同擁有的那些帶走。在我們共度的那幾個(gè)月的時(shí)光里，我付出的是真愛(ài)。而今看來(lái)，從前的那些事，那些早餐，那些午餐，那些下午兩點(diǎn)鐘的電話(huà)，那些在伊萊克特里克度過(guò)的深夜，那些在肯辛頓公園的散步，都如夢(mèng)幻一般。我不想讓任何東西毀損它們。當(dāng)你陷在愛(ài)河里的時(shí)候，時(shí)間的長(zhǎng)短并不重要，重要的是你曾感受到的和做過(guò)的每一件事。對(duì)我而言，我們的愛(ài)情是我一生中為數(shù)不多的一次，讓我感受到生命有了一個(gè)中心。你在我眼中永遠(yuǎn)都那么出色，我永遠(yuǎn)難忘，當(dāng)我早上醒來(lái)時(shí)，看到你躺在我身邊，我是多么愛(ài)你。我只是不想再繼續(xù)傷害你，我無(wú)法忍受讓一切慢慢地變味。
I don't know where I will go from here. I will perhaps spend time on my own over Christmas or spend it with my parents. Will is going to California soon, so we'll see. Don't be unfair, don't blame him. He likes you very much and respects you immensely. He was only a symptom, not the cause of what's happened. Excuse this messy letter, its confusion will probably be a reminder of the way I was with you. Forgive me, you were too good for me. I hope we can stay friends. All my love...我不知該怎么開(kāi)始新的生活，也許會(huì)一個(gè)人過(guò)圣誕節(jié)或與父母呆在一起。威爾不久就回加利福尼亞，不要責(zé)怪他，不要對(duì)他不公平。他非常喜歡你，極度尊敬你。他只是一個(gè)癥狀，并不是這已發(fā)生的一切的原因。原諒我這封亂七八糟的信，它的亂也許會(huì)提醒我曾和你在一起的生活方式。原諒我，你對(duì)我太好了。我希望我們?nèi)匀皇呛门笥选Ｎ乙磺械膼?ài)……
7. The letter brought no relief, only reminders. I recognized the cadences and accent of her speech, carrying with it the image of her face, the smell of her skin -- and the wound I had sustained. I wept at the finality of the letter, the situation confirmed, analysed, turned into the past tense. I could feel the doubts and ambivalence in her syntax, but the message was definitive. It was over, she was sorry it was over, but love had ebbed. At the end of a relationship, it is the one who is not in love who makes the tender speeches. I was overwhelmed by a sense of betrayal, betrayal because a union in which I had invested so much had been declared bankrupt without my feeling it to be so. Chloe had not given it a chance, I argued with myself, knowing the hopelessness of these inner courts announcing hollow verdicts at four thirty in the morning. Though there had been no contract, only the contract of the heart, I felt stung by Chloe's disloyalty, by her heresy, by her night with another man. How was it morally possible this should have been allowed to happen? 信沒(méi)有給我?guī)?lái)任何解脫，只是勾起了更多的回憶。我從中辨識(shí)出她話(huà)語(yǔ)的口音和聲音的強(qiáng)弱。隨著信一起來(lái)到的有她的臉，皮膚的香味，以及我所承受的傷痛。這信的告別式言語(yǔ)讓我淚流滿(mǎn)面，一切都被確定、被分析，成為過(guò)去時(shí)。我能夠感受到她語(yǔ)句中的疑慮和矛盾，但是傳遞的信息肯定無(wú)疑。一切都結(jié)束了，她為結(jié)束感到抱歉，但是愛(ài)情早已退去。我被一種出賣(mài)感淹沒(méi)，之所以有這種感受是因?yàn)槲以?jīng)付出如此之多的感情卻在我尚未察覺(jué)之時(shí)就已宣告終結(jié)?？寺灏瑳](méi)有給它一個(gè)機(jī)會(huì)，我和自己爭(zhēng)論著，知道一切都是無(wú)望的，內(nèi)心的法庭在那個(gè)凌晨的四點(diǎn)半就宣判了一個(gè)沉重的裁決。雖然我們之間除了心靈的約定，什么都沒(méi)有，但我依然感受到深深的傷害，因?yàn)榭寺灏谋撑?，因?yàn)榭寺灏碾x經(jīng)叛道，因?yàn)樗c另一個(gè)男人上床。從道德的角度來(lái)看，這一切怎么可能發(fā)生？
8. It is surprising how often rejection in love is framed in moral language, the language of right and wrong, good and evil, as though to reject or not reject, to love of not to love, was something that naturally belonged to a branch of ethics. It is surprising how often the one who rejects is labelled evil, and the one who is rejected comes to embody the good. There was something of this moral attitude in both Chloe's and my behaviour. Framing her rejection, she had equated her inability to love with evil, and my love for her as evidence of goodness -- hence the conclusion, made on the basis of nothing more than that I still desired her, that I was 'too good' for her. Assuming that she largely meant what she said and was not simply being polite, she had made the ethical point that she was not good enough for me, by virtue of nothing more than having ceased to love me -- something she had deemed made her a less worthy person than I, a man who,in all the goodness of his heart, still felt able to love her.令人吃驚的是，愛(ài)情的拒絕通常是形成在道德的語(yǔ)言中、對(duì)與錯(cuò)的語(yǔ)言中、善與惡的語(yǔ)言中。似乎拒絕或不拒絕、愛(ài)與不愛(ài)，是自然而然地屬于倫理學(xué)的分支。令人吃驚的是，通常，拒絕的一方被標(biāo)上了惡的標(biāo)記，而遭拒絕的一方從此代表著善。在克洛艾和我的行為舉止上也帶有這種道德的態(tài)度。在做出拒絕時(shí)，克洛艾把自己的不能再愛(ài)等同于惡，而我對(duì)她的愛(ài)則被視為善——從而在我仍然渴望她的基礎(chǔ)上得出結(jié)論：我對(duì)她“太好”。假如她說(shuō)的大半是真話(huà)，而不是禮貌的措辭，那么她得到的一個(gè)符合道德的結(jié)論就是：她對(duì)不起我，因?yàn)樗辉賽?ài)我——這使她自認(rèn)為沒(méi)有我高尚，因?yàn)槲覂?nèi)心完美，仍然深受著她。
9. But however unfortunate rejection may be, can we really equate loving with selflessness, and rejection with cruelty, can we really equate love with goodness and indifference with evil? Was my love for Chloe moral, and her rejection of me immoral? The guilt owed to Chloe for rejecting me depended primarily on the extent to which love could be seen as something that I had given selflessly - for if selfish motives entered into my gift, then Chloe was surely justified in equally selfishly ending the relationship. Viewed from such a perspective, the end of love appeared to be a clash between two fundamentally selfish impulses, rather than between altruism and egoism, morality and immorality.但是不管拒絕是多么不幸，我們真能認(rèn)為愛(ài)即無(wú)私、拒絕就是殘忍嗎？我們真能認(rèn)為愛(ài)即善良、冷漠就是罪惡？我對(duì)克洛艾的愛(ài)就是道德的，而克洛艾對(duì)我的拒絕就是道德淪喪？因?yàn)榫芙^我而讓克洛艾產(chǎn)生的內(nèi)疚道德取決于我付出的愛(ài)在多大程度上能被視為是無(wú)私地付出——如果我的付出是自私的，那么克洛艾同樣自私地結(jié)束我們的關(guān)系，理所當(dāng)然地可以被認(rèn)為是正當(dāng)?shù)?。從這個(gè)角度出發(fā)，愛(ài)的結(jié)束是兩種從根本上說(shuō)都是自私的力量的沖突。而不是利他與利我，道德與非道德之間的沖突。
According to Immanuel Kant, a moral action is to be distinguished from an amoral one by the fact that it is performed out of duty and regardless of the pain or pleasure involved. I am behaving morally only when I do something without consideration of what I may get in return for it, when I am guided solely by duty: '* (Groundwork of the Metaphysic of Morals, Immanuel Kant).在康德看來(lái)，道德行為與不道德行為的區(qū)別就在于，道德行為的實(shí)施是出于責(zé)任，不在乎其中的甘苦。只有當(dāng)我在行為處事時(shí)沒(méi)有考慮回報(bào)，只有當(dāng)我僅僅是在順應(yīng)責(zé)任感的指引，我的行為才能被認(rèn)為是符合道德標(biāo)準(zhǔn)的。
10. For any action to be morally good, it is not enough that it should conform to the moral law - it must also be done for the sake of the moral law.' Actions performed as a result of disposition cannot count as moral, a direct rejection of the utilitarian view of morality based around inclination. The essence of Kant's theory is that morality is to be found exclusively in the motive from which an act is performed. To love someone is moral only when that love is given free of any expected return, if that love is given simply for the sake of giving love.“對(duì)于任何道德的行為來(lái)說(shuō)，符合道德法則尚不夠，還必須是為了道德法則而做?！睅в袃A向的行為不能被視為是道德的，對(duì)于道德功利主義觀(guān)點(diǎn)的直接批評(píng)就是它的傾向性?？档吕碚摰膶?shí)質(zhì)在于，道德只存在于行為實(shí)施的動(dòng)機(jī)中。只有當(dāng)愛(ài)不求回報(bào)，只是為了付出愛(ài)時(shí)，這種愛(ài)才是道德的。
11. I called Chloe immoral because she had rejected the attentions of someone who had on a daily basis brought her comfort, encouragement, support, and affection. But was she to blame in a moral sense for spurning these? Blame is surely due when we spurn a gift given at much cost and sacrifice, but if the giver has derived as much pleasure from giving as we derive from receiving, then is there really a case for using moral language? If love is primarily given out of selfish motivations (i.e. for one's own benefit even as it arises out of the benefit of the other), then it is not, in Kantian eyes at least, a moral gift. Was I better than Chloe simply because I loved her? Of course not, for though my love for her included sacrifices, I had made them because it made me happy to do so; I had not martyred myself, I had acted only because it accorded so perfectly with my inclinations, because it was not a duty.我認(rèn)為克洛艾背叛了道德，這是因?yàn)樗龗亝s一個(gè)日復(fù)一日地給予她慰藉、鼓勵(lì)、支持和關(guān)愛(ài)的人的關(guān)心。但是因?yàn)檑`踏了這些，她就應(yīng)該受到道德的譴責(zé)嗎？當(dāng)踐踏他人付出很大代價(jià)和犧牲才能給予的饋贈(zèng)時(shí)，受到譴責(zé)是合理無(wú)疑的，但如果饋贈(zèng)者從饋贈(zèng)過(guò)程的本身得到了很大的快樂(lè)，就如我們接受饋贈(zèng)時(shí)的快樂(lè)一樣，那么還真正可以從道德的角度對(duì)這種踐踏行為予以譴責(zé)嗎？如果愛(ài)的付出主要是出于自私的動(dòng)機(jī)（例如：為了自己的利益，甚至這利益源于對(duì)方的利益），那么，至少在康德看來(lái)，這就不是一個(gè)符合道德標(biāo)準(zhǔn)的饋贈(zèng)。難道僅僅因?yàn)槲覑?ài)克洛艾，我就比她更好？當(dāng)然不是，雖然我對(duì)她的愛(ài)包括在犧牲，但我做出這些犧牲是因?yàn)檫@樣做我感到快樂(lè)，我并沒(méi)有遭受痛苦。我這樣做只是因?yàn)檫@符合我的意愿，因?yàn)檫@并非出于責(zé)任。
12. We spend our time loving like utilitarians, in the bedroom we are followers of Hobbes and Bentham, not Plato and Kant. We make moral judgements on the basis of preference, not transcendental values. As Hobbes put it in his Elements of Law: Every man calleth that which pleaseth and is delightful to him, good; and that evil which displeaseth him: insomuch that while every man differeth from other in constitution, they differ also one from another concerning the common distinction of good and evil. Nor is there such thing as agathon haplos, that is to say, simply good...'
Elements of Law, Thomas Hobbes (ed. Molesworth, 1839-45).我們就像功利主義者一樣相愛(ài)，在臥室里，我們是霍布斯和邊沁的追隨者，而沒(méi)有按照柏拉圖和康德的指導(dǎo)生活。我們做出的道德評(píng)判是建立在偏好的基礎(chǔ)上，而不是從超驗(yàn)論的價(jià)值觀(guān)出發(fā)，就如霍布斯在他的《法律要旨》中所說(shuō)的那樣：
“人人都把那些給他帶來(lái)快樂(lè)使他愉悅的事物稱(chēng)之為善；令他不高興的事物稱(chēng)之為惡。人人都處于不同的境況，于是對(duì)善與惡和區(qū)分也將不同。沒(méi)有什么事物是惡的了，就是說(shuō)，只剩下善……”
13. I had called Chloe evil because she 'displeasethed' me, not because she was in herself inherently evil. My value system was a justification of a situation rather than an explanation of Chloe's offence according to an absolute standard. I had made the classic moralist's error, traced so succinctly by Nietzsche: 我認(rèn)為克洛艾負(fù)有罪惡，是因?yàn)樗屛冶瘋灰?，而不是她天生就是罪惡的。我的價(jià)值體系是對(duì)一種情形的辯護(hù)，而不是根據(jù)一個(gè)絕對(duì)的標(biāo)準(zhǔn)對(duì)克洛艾的過(guò)錯(cuò)給予和一個(gè)解釋。我犯了傳統(tǒng)道德家的錯(cuò)誤，尼采非常簡(jiǎn)明地探討過(guò)這個(gè)問(wèn)題：
First of all, one calls individual actions good or bad quite irrespective of their motives but solely on account of their useful or harmful consequences. Soon, however, one forgets the origin of these designations and believes that the quality good and evil is inherent in the actions themselves, irrespective of their consequences...*
* Human, all too Human, Friedrich Nietzsche (University of Nebraska Press, 1986).“首先，我們把個(gè)人的行為稱(chēng)為好或壞，不是看其行為的動(dòng)機(jī)，而是僅僅考慮行為的結(jié)果是有用還是有害。然而，人們很快就忘記為些名稱(chēng)的緣由，認(rèn)為善與惡的本質(zhì)天然地存在于行為的自身，不用看其行為的結(jié)果……”
What gave me pleasure and pain determined the moral labels I chose to affix to Chloe. I was an egocentric moralizer, judging the world and her duties within it according to my own interests. My moral code was a mere sublimation of my desires.什么給我快樂(lè)，什么給我痛苦，決定我給克洛艾貼上什么樣的首先標(biāo)簽——我是個(gè)人主義的道德說(shuō)教者，根據(jù)自己的利益來(lái)判斷世界與她的責(zé)任。如果說(shuō)我曾經(jīng)有過(guò)道德準(zhǔn)則，那么實(shí)驗(yàn)室也僅是我個(gè)人欲望的升華，是一個(gè)不切實(shí)際的錯(cuò)誤。
14.At the summit of self-righteous despair, I asked, 'Is it not my right to be loved and her duty to love me?' Chloe's love was indispensable, her presence in the bed beside me as important as freedom or the right to life. If the government assured me these two, why could it not assure me the right to love? Why did it place such an emphasis on the right to life and free speech when I didn't give a damn about either, without someone to lend that life meaning? What use was it to live if it was without love and without being heard? What was freedom if it meant the freedom to be abandoned? 在極度自以為是的絕望的巔峰，我發(fā)出質(zhì)問(wèn)：“難道被愛(ài)不是我的權(quán)利，愛(ài)我不是她的責(zé)任？”克洛艾的愛(ài)于我不可或缺，她睡在床上，躺在我身邊，就如同自由或生活的權(quán)利一樣重要。如果政府可以保證我這兩項(xiàng)權(quán)利，為什么不保證我得到愛(ài)情的權(quán)利？在我對(duì)言論的自由或生活的權(quán)利都毫不在乎的時(shí)候，為什么政府如此強(qiáng)調(diào)它們，同時(shí)又沒(méi)有人給予我生活的意義？如果沒(méi)有愛(ài)情，沒(méi)有人傾聽(tīng)我的心聲，活著又有什么價(jià)值？如果自由就是遭人拋棄的自由，那么自由又有什么意義？
15. But how could one possibly extend the language of rights to love, to force people to love out of duty? Was this not simply another manifestation of romantic terrorism, of romantic fascism? Morality must have its boundaries. It is the stuff of High Courts, not of salty midnight tears and the heart-wrenching separations of well-fed, well-housed, over-read sentimentalists. I had only ever loved selfishly, spontaneously, like a utilitarian. And if utilitarianism states an action is right only when it produces the greatest happiness for the greatest number, then the pain now involved both in loving Chloe and hers in being loved was the surest sign that our relationship had not simply grown amoral, but immoral.但是，一個(gè)人自私能把權(quán)利的話(huà)語(yǔ)延伸到愛(ài)，強(qiáng)迫人們出于責(zé)任去愛(ài)？這難道不是愛(ài)情恐怖主義的又一種表現(xiàn)？難道不是愛(ài)情宿命論的又一個(gè)顯像？道德規(guī)范必須有自己的界限。這是高等法院討論的內(nèi)容，與午夜咸咸的淚水，與吃得好、住得好、閱讀得多、過(guò)多多愁善感者心碎的分手無(wú)關(guān)。我曾經(jīng)像個(gè)功利主義者一樣，發(fā)自?xún)?nèi)心地、自私地愛(ài)過(guò)。如果功利主義認(rèn)為，一個(gè)行為只有當(dāng)它為最大多數(shù)人帶來(lái)最大的幸福時(shí)，才是正確的行為，那么現(xiàn)在愛(ài)克洛艾的痛苦和克洛艾被愛(ài)的痛苦則明確無(wú)疑地標(biāo)志著我們的關(guān)系不僅無(wú)從區(qū)分是非，而且不符合道德標(biāo)準(zhǔn)。
16. It was unfortunate that anger could not be wedded to blame. Pain mobilized me to seek an offender, but responsibility could not be pinned on Chloe. I learnt that humans stood in a relation of negative liberty towards one another, duty-bound not to hurt others, but certainly not forced to love one another if they did not wish. A primitive belief made me feel that my anger entitled me to blame someone else, but I recognized that blame can only be linked to choice. One does not get angry with a donkey for not being able to sing, for the donkey's constitution never gave it a chance to do anything but snort. Similarly, one cannot blame a lover for loving or not loving, for it is a matter beyond their choice and hence responsibility - though what makes rejection in love harder to bear than donkeys who can never sing is that one did once see the lover loving. One finds it easier not to blame the donkey for not singing because it never sang, but the lover loved, perhaps only a short while ago, which makes the reality of the claim I cannot love you any more all the harder to digest.不幸的是，怒氣不能與譴責(zé)連接在一起。痛苦鼓動(dòng)我去尋找一個(gè)冒犯者，但是責(zé)任不能落在克洛艾身上。我知道人與人之間有互相拒絕的自由，負(fù)有不傷害對(duì)方的責(zé)任，但是如果他們不愿意，那么就沒(méi)有人可以強(qiáng)迫他們?nèi)?ài)。一種原始的、非悲劇的信念使我感到自己的怒火賦予我責(zé)備他人的權(quán)利，但是我知道責(zé)備應(yīng)該有所選擇。不能為驢子不會(huì)唱歌而發(fā)火，因?yàn)轶H子的生理結(jié)構(gòu)只允許它呼哧呼哧地喘氣。同樣，一個(gè)人不能為愛(ài)或不愛(ài)而指責(zé)心上人，因?yàn)檫@超出了他們的選擇范圍，從而超出了他們的責(zé)任——雖然曾經(jīng)看到對(duì)方確實(shí)愛(ài)過(guò)自己，使得被愛(ài)拒絕相對(duì)于驢子不能唱歌更讓人難受。我們會(huì)覺(jué)得不去責(zé)備驢子不會(huì)唱歌更容易辦到，因?yàn)轶H子本來(lái)就不會(huì)唱歌；但是心上人卻曾經(jīng)愛(ài)過(guò)，也許就在不久之前，這使我無(wú)法再愛(ài)你的表白讓人更難以接受。
17. The arrogance of wanting to be loved had emerged only now it was unreciprocated -- I was left alone with my desire, defenceless, beyond the law, shockingly crude in my demands: Love me! And for what reason? I had only the usual paltry, insufficient excuse: Because I love you...當(dāng)愛(ài)不再得到回應(yīng)時(shí)，要求被愛(ài)的蠻橫出現(xiàn)了——我孤獨(dú)地與欲望相伴，毫無(wú)防衛(wèi)，缺少權(quán)利，遠(yuǎn)離法規(guī)，我的要求直露得令人吃驚：愛(ài)我吧！為什么？我只有一個(gè)微不足道的理由：因?yàn)槲覑?ài)你……
