這陣子忙得上躥下跳（帶著孩子搬家，我已經(jīng)累得狗都不如），幾乎自動屏蔽了外界一切，包括熱鬧了好一陣子的美國大選。
期間老公與我共享了一句名人名言，來自馬克吐溫：
Politicians are like diapers; they need to be changed often and for the same reason.
于是就有了這個尿片成長記。
屁股比臉蛋要緊
在這個似乎臉蛋越來越要緊的世界，甫一來到人世的小魚兒馬上用自己的小屁屁進行反抗。
在月子里的時候，她的小屁屁有一天開始變得有點紅紅的。一開始我取笑她是只小猴子，有個紅屁股。
過了兩天才發(fā)現(xiàn)情況不對勁。某次換小尿片時，她哭得凄厲無比，哭得我心慌意亂。我才意識到她可能得了 diaper rash。老公連夜趕去藥店買了Desitin。
我們仔細分析和研究了小魚兒為什么突然會得 diaper rash。最后得出的結(jié)論是，罪魁禍首是擦小屁股所用的濕巾。一開始我們用的是最基本的濕巾，基本上里面就是水，沒有別的成分。然后換了一種濕巾，才不過兩三天就造成了惡果。
這么一來，囤積的濕巾全部被我果然擯棄。
小寶寶的屁股要堅持兩條原則，一是保持干燥，二是保持潔凈。從這一天開始，為了替代濕巾，我們選用了一種非常堅韌的、入水也不化的紙巾，沾上干凈的水，擦小魚兒的小屁屁。
在換尿片時，我們還啟用了吹風機，確保小屁屁在盡量少受紙巾摩擦的情況下，盡快干燥。消磨時間的當口，我就唱首歌，按摩一下她的兩條腿和兩只小腳。屁屁干燥后，立馬像抹蛋糕一樣，抹上厚厚的一層 Desitin，然后裹上尿片，大功告成。
請腦補以下畫面：半夜三更，我和老公半睜著眼起床，對著一個小屁股，又是端盆端水伺候，又是啟動吹風機，外加按摩，再抹藥膏（其有效成分和防曬霜是一樣的）……我跟老公開玩笑說，這么頂級的待遇，我們對自個的臉蛋也從來沒這么悉心照料過。
不過這樣努力也是有回報的。一晝夜下來，她的小屁屁馬上就消除紅腫，基本恢復正常了。
所以比起臉蛋來，屁股更要擦干凈。希拉里雖然對自己的臉蛋動了刀子，但是屁股沒擦干凈，畢竟離總統(tǒng)的位子遠去了。
屁股臟了不能捂著蓋著
大約從四個月開始，外公發(fā)現(xiàn)小魚兒開發(fā)了一個有趣的自創(chuàng)功能。
那就是每一次她拉屎的時候，就會自動開始嗯嗯啊啊地唱歌，然后心情會變得格外地好，老是沖著你嘿嘿嘿諂媚地笑。
這么樣五分鐘之后，我們?nèi)羰呛雎粤怂汩_始扭捏起來，繼而鬧騰。
所以每次她心情莫名地格外地晴朗時，我們就知道她必定是拉屎了，要換尿片了。
尿片臭了，捂著蓋著是不行的，還不如散開來眾人看看。
你看 Trump 競選時的大臭嘴巴，處處放嘴炮。傳統(tǒng)媒體對他恨之入骨，但是在 Twitter 這樣的社交網(wǎng)絡(luò)上，他卻非常受歡迎。許多人還對他這種 not politically right 的風格表示欣賞，因為大家早就厭倦了標準政客的套路（裝B）。
Trump 非常徹底地剝削了這個大眾心理，并在競選時為自己披上了最瘋狂的外衣，以最少的成本最大化自己的利益。
這么講的依據(jù)是Youtube上的一段視頻，發(fā)布于2016年6月9日，名叫《This Video Will Get Donald Trump Elected》?？赐曛髸X得視Trump為瘋子、視這次美國大選為游戲，那就被他忽悠了。這個商人至少在過去36年之間一直在toying with a presidential run，然后一直伺機而動。
這里節(jié)選一些片段的對白。
1980年：
Q: Would you want to be the president of US?
DT: I don't believe I would really. but I really would like to see somebody as the president who can do the job and is really capable people of this country.
Q: Why wouldn't you dedicate yourself to public service?
DT: because i think it's a really mean life.......but i also see it that somebody with strong views, and somebody with the kind of views that are maybe a little bit unpopular, which maybe right but maybe unpopular, would necessarily have the chance getting elected against somebody with no great brain but big smile.
1988年 Oprah 訪談：
Oprah: this sounds political presidential talk to me. and i know people have talked to you about whether or not you want to run. Would you ever?
DT: Probably not, but I do get tired of seeing this country get ripped off...
Oprah: Why would you not?
DT: I just think I don't really have the inclination to do it. I love what I am doing, I really like it....
Oprah: also doesn't pay as well.
DT: (laugh) not that, but I just probably wouldn't do it, Oprah. but I do get tired of seeing what's happening with this country. And if it got so bad, i would never rule it out totally because I get really tired of seeing what's happening with this country, how we are really making other people live like kings and we are not.
Oprah: you've said though if you did run for president, you believe you'd win.
DT: well, i don't know. I think i'd win. I tell you what, i wouldn't go in to lose. I've never gone in to lose in my life. and if I did decide to do it, I think I'd be inclined to, I would say I would have a hell of a chance to win cuz I think, I don't know about your audience, but i think people are tired of seeing the United States ripped off. and I cant promise you everything, but I can tell you one thing, this country would make one hell lot of money from those people after 25 years of taking advantage, it wouldn't be the way it's been, believe me.
1989年:
Q: would you take over, and run this country as you have run your organization?
DT: I would much prefer somebody else do it. I just don't know if this somebody else is there. I don't know if we had the advocate that you need. We need major surgery. This country needs major surgery.
Q: Are your the surgeon?
DT: I think i'd do a fantastic job, but i really would prefer not doing it.
Q: are you saying that you'll take it only if drafted?
DT: no, I'm not saying that. i'm saying that somebody comes along who could be the advocate, and i think somebody who would be so popular that he or she will...but i don't see it now. I wish that person were there, but again, I do know one thing, it's not a question, this country is losing hundreds of billions. it's not a question if, it's a question when.
越來越不容易換的小尿片
進入八九個月的時候，小魚兒的尿片就開始變得越來越難換。
每次我們把她放在換尿片的地方，她立馬翻身，刷刷刷爬開。
把她拖回來，正過身子，剛打算解開尿片。她又一個翻身，刷刷刷爬開。
再拖回來，終于完全打開尿片，她又飛速翻滾、頂著個光屁股急速前行，嘴里樂呵得咯咯使勁壞笑。
然后我們就開始滿地找屁股。
一遍遍拉回來，一遍遍放正，一遍遍嘗試著擦干凈屁股，一遍遍嘗試著把新尿片給裹上去。
期間她也有可能爬著爬著刷一下坐正，然后壞壞地看著你歡快地搖著自己的小胳膊。你去一拉過來，才驚覺就這么坐起來幾秒間，她已經(jīng)在偷偷拉了一泡尿，解開的連身衣也已經(jīng)濕了大半……
這換小尿片的程式變得越來越復雜，越來越艱難，越來越耗時，換得大人們滿臉都是黑線。
我有個同事分享了更慘烈的換尿片故事。他家的兒子已經(jīng)會走路了。每次一脫下臟尿片，寶寶就屁顛屁顛跑走了。一開始夫妻倆覺得很好玩，時間一久，寶寶養(yǎng)成了習慣，每次都這么歡騰得光著屁股跑開，然后在整個屋子里面狂奔，然后屋子就臭了……
我雖然盡力想避免小魚兒也演變成那么失控，卻感到那慘淡的明天就在不遠處等著我。
從這個角度而言，政客確實應(yīng)該像尿片那樣勤換。不勤著換，就壓根換不動了。
